Hey, what are you doin' here? Oh, sorry if that sounded rude, I just wasn't expecting you! I mean, this is just people from town getting together to have some fun, not a big public thing! You bein' here can only mean one thing. You moved down here! About time! How you like it so far? Yeah, TOLD you you'd like it! Oh what's that now? Oh, well what this is is just a proper southern party event, you had this kind of thing explained to you yet? You have? Oh, well then, welcome to your first one!
Yeah, that's what this is supposed to be, but to be honest it's more a chance to go spread gossip between the women. Yeah, that's why most of the people here are women, in case you were wonderin'. Just so you know, you'll probably be hearing somethin' 'bout be me gettin' fatter and havin' to move up to a size 24. I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but you got an honest face, so I'll be honest with you- it's true.
I know it's only been four months since the last time we talked, but yeah, that happened. Not that big a deal, I mean did you SEE how tight my jeans were last time we met? Those pants didn't last too long after the festival.. Actually, I ended up busting the back seam of those jeans about a week after that. No one saw it, so it's not like it was super embarrassing or anything. I really haven't gained that much, compared to my sisters. Yeah, this is I think the first time in history that I've actually gained the least of us all in a certain space of time. See, I'm sittin' here six pounds fatter than I was last time you saw me. Emily's carrying ANOTHER nine pounds round her waistline and Laney's got about eight more pounds on her tits.
I don't know why this kind of thing's still gossip. I mean, only one woman around here can honestly say that they haven't gotten any bigger, and that's Mrs. Peggy. She's town gossip, but gossip doesn't spread with only one person talking. Hypocritical gossip doesn't make sense, but apparently, it happens. Lucky for me, I'm least on the list of my family right now.
Tori's number one right now. Looks like I was right about the skinny sister turning into the fattest sister. She's not there yet, but she's definitely on her way. Remember how she was up to 140 last time, making her fifteen pounds fatter than the year before? Well, in the four months since, she hasn't been slacking off with the eating. She's totally fallen off the diet and exercise wagon. Not sure why, but that's how it is. It's not like she's constantly stuffing her face, but she definitely been coming home from work with Macdonald's bags a lot more than she probably should, and I think she's pretty nearly completely stopped her jogging routine. She used to do it daily, but now I think on it, I think she's only been out there about. . . .let's see. . . five times in the last four months? Last week, I went to look in her car for something and I couldn't miss the two totally empty Dunkin' Donuts boxes. Don't know when she bought those, but knowing her, she probably finished each of them off in record time. I'd put money that neither of them even lasted even a whole day. That girl has NO control when it comes to donuts. Makes sense she left the boxes in her car, though. She couldn't just take the boxes inside the house to toss them out. We'd never let her forget about that. I mean, this is the woman who spent most of her time bitching about how we never exercise and eat way too much, and now she's gone and eaten three dozen donuts? Now I think about it, those five times she went jogging, she came back with something extra than what she normally got at the Macdonald's. Mcgriddle, that kind of thing. I'm pretty sure she was stopping in there to get breakfast.
So yeah she's carrying a few extra pounds these days. Mostly on her ass like normal, but it's definitely starting to even out. The first fifteen pounds went to straight to her ass, rounding it out you know, ghetto-booty type body. This new weight's going different places. Don't get me wrong, her ass is getting fatter plenty, it's that's not the only place the that fat's been settling. Most of it actually moved to her belly more than her ass. Last time you saw her, she had a tiny little muffin top, didn't she? Well now that muffin top's getting pretty huge. Her ass still took a lot of the weight, but now she's got a pretty good gut going on. No rolls yet, no legitimate love handles, but those ain't very far off. Maybe another ten, fifteen pounds. If she keeps this rate up, she'll be past that before the years out!
Shouldn't take too long. You realize that it took her a year to gain the fifteen pounds before this and now, in about a third that time, she's gained almost the same? If she keeps THAT up, she'll be fatter than me in no time!
I have no clue why my sisters all gained more that I did. I mean, I didn't change anything about what I'm doing every day! I'm eatin' just as much as ever and I'm definitely not exercising! I mean come ON! There are days when the only walking I do is heading to the door for the pizza delivery guy! Well, now I think about it, on those days, I have to get up and do that a lot. . . But all that pizza's GOT to make up for all that walking!
What the heck are they eating that's making them so fat, so fast? Pure lard? That's all I can figure. Well, you know what, I'm totally okay with them getting fat faster than I am! I mean, it's not like it's some kind of contest!It's not like we're TRYING to look like cows, it just happens, you know?
I just love me some food and do NOT like exercise. Seriously, WHY would anyone put themselves through that kind of torture? So what if I get out of breath just walking up a flight of stairs? What's it really matter? Jogging doesn't help, it just puts all that fat out there for the world to see. You won't necessarily lose weight, either. You want proof of that, look at my cousin Jen. She ran track up until she blossomed senior year. She grew a great rack, and went the way Laney went, getting fatter and fatter, her tits getting bigger and bigger. You know what? She kept jogging the whole time, all the way 'til she graduated. Jogging didn't get her thin, not at all, she just kept on porking out the whole time! Yeah, nothing compared to how big she got when she stopped, but that's not important. I'm really kind of amazed how long she kept on jogging considering how massive her tits got. I didn't even know they MADE sports bras for DDs, but apparently they do. Not for anything bigger, though. That's why she stopped running. You ever tried jogging without a sports bra? Well I've never jogged period, so I definitely haven't ever tried anything THAT stupid, but I can imagine how it would be.
And it's not like guys around here just start ignoring you when you start getting chubby. Look around. Look over there. That's Heather, Remember her? I talked about her last time we saw each other. Now she ain't THAT much bigger, but check out her dress. I don't know how she got that thing on! I swear girls around here are magic with squeezing into clothes. She's getting married come April. Not too big a shocker though, is it? Men around here been dealing with their women getting fat for years now, all she's done is get started on that early! Doesn't hurt it all went to her ass, neither. Guys like a juicy behind, I can attest to THAT! Now some men down here get all upset 'bout their women getting big, you can ask Laney about all that, but most of them just accept it and deal. Some of them even seem to like it! I can get that, I mean boobs and ass ain't nothing but fat gone to the right places!
You been over to the catering table? NO?! Okay, you really don't know what this sort of thing is about, do you? Okay, first thing, Here. Have a few drinks. You got to loosen up a bit, then you get to the catering table and. . . Well. . . you know the rest. Look over there, you can see just how much those girls been getting to eating.
Oh look, it's Jen! You know, that cousin I was tellin' you about? That's her over there by the fondue fountain! What's she doing there with that mug? Hey, that's a good idea! Look at that, she's got the mug filling up under the fountain! That right there? That's GENIUS! Pure liquid chocolate? Can you say DREAM DRINK? Sorry, but I got to go right now and get me some! Why don't you try talking to one of my sisters? Don't bother with Chelsea or Tori, they're both wasted and stuffing themselves by the catering table. I'd try with Emily or Laney, they'd probably be better, you know? I got to go, looks like some of the other girls got the same idea!